Ron's Monster World of Dating!
by Missglitterystars
Summary: Ron decides to take a break from his hair salon. He starts his own dating service. Sequel to "Ron's Magical World of Hair Styling."
1. Snape

Author's Note: I don't own anything!

Summary: THE SEQUEL TO "Ron's Magical World of Hair Styling"! Ron starts a dating service!

It took Ron several hours to clean up all of the supplies from his hair salon. It was a very last minute decision, but he decided to start a dating service. He got the inspiration from when he gave Filch his makeover and Mcgonagal came in and made out with Filch. It was a very classic moment.

Everything was almost cleaned up and the last thing he needed to put away were his scissors! He held them up to the sky dramatically and set them in a box. He looked as if he were to break out into song! "Farewell!" he sang in a falsetto.

Ron set up a desk with all of the essentials on it. Notepads, pencils, pens, paper, a computer, a printer, and a stress ball. He also created a file cabinet for all of his cases! He was ready for business. He used his wand to change the sign from closed to open.

His first customer had arrived! Ron was overjoyed and he ran to open the door. When he opened it, it was Albus Dumbledore! "Hi Professor!" smiled Ron.

"Hi Ron! How's the dating service?"

"Well I haven't had a customer yet! I just officially opened!"

Dumbledore clapped his hands out of excitement! "This is going to be so magical!" he giggled.

"You're telling me!" laughed Ron.

"Well, I think you have a customer!" smiled Dumbledore.

"Where?" asked Ron.

Ron looked to the doorway and he saw Snape with a wilted red rose. "I'll come later!" whispered Dumbledore to Ron as he walked his way out.

"Hullo Snape."

"Please, call me Severus."

Snape handed Ron the wilted rose. "Um, Snape…I'm not your date."

Snape turned bright red and grabbed the rose back and apologized. "Have a seat!" began Ron.

Ron pulled out the key board and began to type. "All right Snape! I want you to tell me your ideal partner!"

Snape closed his eyes and began to say, "I would like a woman, tall, pretty, a mom, with red hair, and green eyes. She has to be named after a flower, maybe something like….LILY!"

Ron typed all of this information into his computer and up came a few results. "Right Snape, so you have a few choices. Your first one is Petunia! She is the aunt of Harry Potter and she is married and has a son."

Snape looked like he was going to barf. "She's named after a flower," Ron added.

"Next one please."

"Right the next one says Lily Potter…oh wait…shes no longer alive."

Snape looked sad. "Would you like a date with the ghost of Lily Potter?"

Snape crapped his pants. He lunged at Ron and said, "YES!"

Ron pulled out his telephone and dialed a phone number. "Yes hi, could I have Lily Potter please?" Ron asked.

He waited a few minutes and then he nodded and said, "Thank you."

Snape looked anxiously at Ron and Ron shook his head. "She's busy having the sexy time with her husband James at the moment. Would you like to try Petunia?"

Snape nodded as Petunia showed up. She didn't know where she was and she was confused. Ron approached her and said in a cheesy voice, "WELCOME TO RON'S MONSTER WORLD OF DATING!"

Petunia saw Snape and she automatically remembered him! "OMG! YOU!" she pointed with her index finger.

"Hey Girl, hey!" Snape said seductively as he handed Petunia the wilted rose which she chucked to the ground.

"Forget the romance!" Petunia took off her jacket to reveal that she was in a silver bikini. "Wanna go to a hot tub?" she asked as she rubbed his shoulders.

"You know it!" Snape answered taking off his robes and he wore his favorite g string!

"OMG I JUST SAW SNAPE'S ASS!" screamed Ron.


	2. Lockhart

Author's Note: I don't own anything!

Ron was typing at his desk and he looked out his window. He saw Hermione was cuddling with Crookshanks and she saw him and smiled. His heart fluttered as she blew him a kiss. Ron went back to typing and he began to type really fast.

"My goodness!" exclaimed a voice.

Ron looked up and saw Professor Lockhart. He was holding a mirror and he was talking to the mirror. "Lockhart, you have a piece of cheese stuck in your teeth," Lockhart said to himself.

Ron tapped his pen and said rather loudly, "Hello Professor Lockhart and welcome to Ron's Monster World of Dating. How can I help you?"

Lockhart set down his mirror and jumped onto Ron's desk stepping on everything. "I'm in search of love!" he answered as he did a back flip.

"Impressive," muttered Ron as he pulled out the keyboard.

Lockhart picked his mirror back up and began to talk to himself again. "Lockhart, what are you looking for in a partner?"

"Well…let's see. First, they have to be a celebrity like me! They must be able to deal with the fame, the fortune, and the glory," He added dramatically as he swooned onto Ron's desk.

"Okay."

"They must be good looking, elegant, sophisticated, charming, likes to read. Oh and they must love the color violet!"

Ron continued to type. "They must also have read my books."

Ron stared at his computer screen as a result came up. "Lockhart, I have the perfect match for you!"

"Oh great! When do I get to meet them?"

Ron turned his computer to face Lockhart and show him the result. "The result is….you."

"HA! I knew it!" Lockhart laughed as he picked up his mirror.

He lifted the mirror up to the sky and said, "Where have you been all of my life?"

Lockhart began to kiss the mirror and Ron was getting a little freaked out. He closed his eyes and he didn't open them until Lockhart left, which was two hours later. "Well that was weird," said Ron as he closed a few other results that had popped up, "No way am I setting up Snape with Lockhart. Snape's on his date with Petunia. And no way am I pairing Lockhart with Dumbledore. Dumbledore can't stand the fool."

Dumbledore was outside listening and he decided to come in for his chance at finding love. "Hello Ron," smiled Dumbledore.

"DUMBLES!" smiled Ron.

"I think I'm ready to look for love."

Ron smiled proudly and gave Dumbledore a high five. "Awesome!"


	3. Stop that Wedding

Author's Note: I don't own anything.

Dumbledore lifted his spectacles up and then went to clean them with his robe. He carefully wiped off the dust and then put them back on to look a Ron. "I'm ready."

Ron smiled and his telephone rang. "One sec Dumbles. Hello Ron's Monster World of Dating. Can I help you?"

Ron paused for a moment and then said, "Yes."

He made a few mhmms and a few yes of courses. He hung up and turned to face Dumbledore. "Apparently, Lockhart is getting married."

Dumbledore smiled and laughed, "I knew he would find someone someday!"

Ron went pale. "He's getting married to…himself!"

Dumbledore's mouth dropped open. "He can't marry himself! We must stop him!"

Ron nodded and whipped up the Date-Mobile with a few magic words. "Son, let me drive," Dumbledore demanded as he got into the drivers seat.

Ron didn't argue as he got into the passenger's seat. "Let's roll!" cheered Ron as he used his wand to flip the open sign to close.

"Damn it!" yelled Voldemort as he patted his hair.

"I'll be back Voldy!" Ron called as Dumbledore sped through the hallways.

"You better!" Voldemort yelled back.

Dumbledore was in hyper speed and Ron was holding on for life. Who knew that Dumbledore was such a speed demon? They began to slow down and Ron never felt so happy in his life. They were at the church and they hopped out of the Date Mobile. They burst into the church and there were a few people. "Where's Lockhart?" asked Ron as he searched the crowd.

Suddenly, the wedding march began to play and Lockhart appeared. He wore a half tux, half wedding dress. He was smiling and crying to himself. He was so in love with himself. "What the bloody hell are you doing?" Ron snapped.

"I'm getting married," Lockhart announced as he pulled out his mirror.

"You can't marry yourself!" Dumbledore protested.

"Says who?"

"Says the rules."

"I don't believe you!"

Lockhart puffed out his chest and began to walk down the aisle. He took every step and smiled and waved to the crowd. "What a beautiful bride and groom!" an old witch cried.

"He needs to be stopped!" Dumbledore whispered.

"But how? Who did he date at Hogwarts? Maybe we can get them married instead."

"He used to date….Narcissa Malfoy."

"REALLY?"

"Yeah, before she dated Lucius, she was with Lockhart. After she left him, he changed into the man he is today. He wasn't always like this."

"What about Narcissa?"

"She wasn't always so cold. She used to be a very loving woman with compassion and love in her heart. Then when she met Lucius, she changed into the bitch she is today."

Ron felt so bad about Lockhart. "What should we do?"

Dumbledore pulled out a cellphone and called someone. "Code 6879," he said.

Then he hung up. The priest came walking up to the altar and looked at Lockhart. "Right so it's time to get this wedding started," the priest began.

"WAIT!" a voice called.

Lockhart turned around and he saw Narcissa Malfoy. She was wearing a green and white ballgown and she ran down the aisle. "WAIT!" she called again.

"Narcissa?" asked Lockhart.

"Gilderoy."

Narcissa jumped into his arms and made out with him. "What about Lucius…what about your son?"

"You're all that I want, sugar lips!"

Narcissa turned to Dumbledore and winked. Apparently Narcissa and Lucius had divorce a long time ago. She had enough of his evil attitude. So, instead of Lockhart marrying himself to himself, he got married to Narcissa instead.

Ron and Dumbledore stayed for the wedding and when it was over, Ron cried as Dumbledore handed him a tissue. "Oh Dumbles, I love weddings!"

Dumbledore patted Ron on the shoulder. "I do too my boy!"

He was disappointed that he didn't get an opportunity to find love, but he knew that his chance would come soon. As soon as the wedding was over, Ron and Dumbledore went back to Hogwarts for some much needed rest.

Ron went back to his desk and when he was going to continue with Dumbledore's quest for love, Dumbledore told him that he was turning in for the day and maybe they could continue this later.

Voldemort came to the door and when he saw it was closed he punched the door and he hurt his fist.

Lucius stood by Voldemort and he had received news of Narcissa's wedding. Maybe with Ron's service, he could find someone better matched for him.


	4. A Date Gone Wrong

Author's Note: I don't own anything!

Ron sighed as he was reading a love note from Hermione that she had left on his desk. She was being very clingy lately, and it was starting to annoy him. He put the note down and then he looked to the door. There were no customers today. "Bummer," Ron thought to himself.

He stared at the walls, and when he got bored of that, he began to clean up. When he heard footsteps, Ron perked up and to his surprise he had a guest. "Welcome to Ron's Monster World of Dating!" he greeted Hagrid.

"Hi Ron!" beamed Hagrid as he was cudding some dragon.

"Come have a seat."

Hagrid sat down and also set down the dragon. "So I am going to ask you what you would like in a partner. Okay?"

"I would like an animal lover. Someone who cares for nature. Someone who I can understand. Someone who doesn't really fit in. Someone different, someone unique."

Ron typed all of that into the computer system and a result came up. Actually two did. "Well, Hagrid, you have two choices," Ron smiled.

"Who?"

"According to the system either Neville Longbottom would work, or the herbology professor, Professor Sprout."

"Neville is a sweet young thang, so I think I will go with the herbology professor."

Professor Sprout emerged in the hallway wearing a red sparkly sequined dress and growled at Hagrid. Hagrid looked at Ron and he looked scared. Professor Sprout grabbed Hagrid by the hand and dragged him to a local coffee shop. Ron giggled.

About half an hour later, Hagrid came running back in with kisses all over his face. "Help me," he begged as he ran for cover.

"Ohhhhhhh HaggyHagums!" called Professor Sprout.

She ran to Ron's office and Ron nearly fainted when he saw what she was wearing. She was in a leather bustier and had on black leggings. "Um, I think he went to go check out your plants."

Professor Sprout ran away and Ron let Hagrid know that the coast was clear. "What happened Hagrid?"

"Well, we went to go get coffee, then she said she wanted to show me something so of course I go with her. She takes me into the herbology office where she starts to play jazz music and then she starts to take off that sequined dress and she was wearing that horrendible outfit you just saw and then, she kissed me all over my face and then I ran so here I am."

Ron's mouth dropped and he gave Hagrid a cup of tea. "You know you left your dragon here?"

"Yeah sorry, my bad."

Ron smiled and handed Hagrid a cookie. "Would you like to give Neville a go?" asked Ron.

"No that's okay. I think I'm going to wait until the next time I see Madame Maxine. She's a fine woman."

Ron nodded and walked over to his computer, where unfortunately, Hagrid's dragon left him a present. Ron groaned as he cleaned it up. "GOD WHY?" he yelled to the sky.

After the mess was cleaned, Ron went over to his computer and clicked out of all of his results. "Hey Ron?" asked Hagrid.

"Yes?"

"I think you could use a secretary, someone to help you kind of run this business. It's kinda difficult, don't you think?"

Ron thought about what Hagrid was saying. Of course it would help him. Ron wasn't the most organized person in the world and having someone help him would be a tremendous help. "I see what you are saying and I have to agree with you!" Ron smiled.

"Great because I know someone who is interested."

"Who would that be?"

Hagrid grinned as he pointed to himself. "Guess what Hagrid, you're hired."

Hagrid did a slow motion jump in the air and when he came back down the entire room shook. Hagrid blushed and apologized. Suddenly, Professor Sprout came running in and when she saw Hagrid, she yelled, "It's over between us."

Hagrid rolled his eyes and muttered, "There was nothing to even begin with."

Professor Sprout left and Ron started to make Hagrid a desk with all of the essentials. "I'm so happy," said Hagrid over and over.

Ron was happy too. Things were getting better and better.

"EXCUSE ME! ARE YOU READY FOR ME YET?" asked Voldemort as he appeared in the doorway.

"Come back later, employee training time," Ron said.

"DAMN IT!" Voldemort yelled.


	5. Peeves and His Weird Requests

Author's Note: I don't own anything!

Hagrid sat at his desk smiling and eagerly awaited for someone to open the door. He got his chance when it finally opened. "Hullllllllo! And Welcome! To Ron's Monster World of Dating! Here's your one chance at finding that person that completes you!" he greeted.

IT was PEEVES!!!!!!!!!!

"Hi Baldy," he laughed at Hagrid's hair cut.

"What are you doing here?" sneered Hagrid.

"I came for love!!!!!!!" Peeves sang as he did a flip in the air.

"I refuse to serve-"

"Hagrid," Ron began, "Just because you don't like someone doesn't mean that you should deny them service."

"Yeah?"

"Yes. Apologize to Peeves."

"Sorry Peeves."

"Good Hagrid. Peeves come with me."

"Bye Baldy," Peeves waved.

Peeves floated along and kept grabbing Ron's ears. "Hey now, stop it."

Peeves pouted and he mooned Ron. "That's mature."

Ron sat down at his computer and began to type. "So Peeves…what would you like in a partner?"

"Can I have my own reality tv show?"

"Excuse me?"

"I said…can I have my own reality tv show?"

Ron gulped and repeated, "Reality tv show?"

"Yeah," Peeves smiled, "I want to have 15 women compete for my love and have them do challenges that have nothing to do with anything. There will be drama, there will be action, there will be suspense, there will be adventure…and most importantly…"

"Food?"

"LOOOOOOOOOVE!" Peeves sang as he hit a rather high note.

"Well, I've never done something like that before and to be honest I don't know if I can," Ron continued, "I set this up so everyone could find someone."

"EXCUSE ME? CAN I SPEAK TO RON?" Voldemort yelled at Hagrid, "I would like a turn."

"He's busy."

"DAMN!"

Peeves was uspet and began to cry. "Weasles isn't helping PEEVES!" he shouted for all to hear, "I want my own reality tv show! I want to have women fight over me!!!!!!! I want food fights and I want tears!"

"What you need, Peeves, is a doctor."

Peeves pulled out a tissue and cried. He then looked to the sky and began to sing, "Peevesy wants some love! Love love lovity loving loveeeeeeeee!"

Ron and Hagrid covered their ears until Moaning Myrtle came in and sang, "Who is that ghost who is moaning??? Who is that ghost who cries?"

Peeves twirled and dramatically reached for Myrtle as he sang, "Sexyyyyyy lady! Willl you be mine…FOREVERRRRRRRR?"

Myrtle brought Peeves close to her cheek and sang, "If our hearts beat as one then yessssssssss!"

They kissed and fireworks went off out of nowhere.

"Score!" Fred and George Weasley laughed as they set off the fireworks around the ghosts.

"At last, our hearts beat as one," they dueted together (meaning Peeves and Moaning Myrtle).

They floated off arm and arm and Ron never saw them again.


	6. Lucius Malfoy

Author's Note: I don't own anything!

Lucius Malfoy came running into the room crying and Hagrid handed Lucius a teddy bear which he took and cuddle. "I assume that this is about your ex wife?" asked Ron as he didn't look away from his computer.

Lucius nodded as he cuddled his bear. "We all saw it coming," Hagrid whispered.

Ron gave Hagrid a look that said back off. Ron turned to look at Lucius and Lucius cried, "I can't be a single father! I need a wife. I need a baby mama! I want a sweet thang! And bootylicious too!"

"Those are some odd requirements Lucius," Hagrid replied.

Ron excused Hagrid to his desk. "Okay so basically, you want a baby mama. A "sweet thang" and someone who is bootylicious?" Ron asked.

Lucius nodded and Ron typed away. When he saw the results he burst out into laughter. "What's so funny?" asked Lucius as he was petting the stuffed bear.

"Oh just some of the results."

Lucius threw the bear to the ground and started to jump around the office. "Who is the lucky lady that I am to woo and to charm?" asked Lucius giddily.

Ron laughed so hard, he almost peed in his pants. "You would work well with…"

Lucius was on the edge of his seat. "MADAME HOOCH!"

Lucius fell out of his chair and he hit his head. "You okay?" asked Ron as he helped him up.

"Who is this Madame Hooch?"

"Quidditch coach."

Out of nowhere sexy romantic slow music started to play and Madame Hooch appeared wearing a silk night gown and a red scarf. She had a glass of champagne and she turned to Lucius and whispered, "Come to me…BIG DADDY!"

Madame Hooch turned around and Lucius saw her bootylicious booty. It was round and plump and he gave it a light smack. He gave the thumbs up to Ron.

Lucius got out of his chair and began to dance around the room with Madame Hooch. She whipped out a broom and they floated to the top of the room and proceeded to make out. Ron was covering his eyes and his ears.

Draco burst into the room. "FATHER! NOOOOOOOOOOOO! She's my girlfriend!"

Madame Hooch pulled away from Lucius and flipped Draco off. "Take that bitch," she said.

Draco ran sobbing and said, "I love Lockhart more than you Dad! At least he treats me like a son."

"Don't compare me to that buffoon! You are interrupting my session of romance! OUT!"

Ron cleared his throat and said, "Exactly Lucius, you need to leave as well. You can't date in my office. I have a very busy schedule and people will be coming in and out."

Lucius and Madame Hooch came to the ground and they floated away to god knows where and had some drinks and then…Well you can figure out the rest.


	7. Neville

Author's Note: I don't own anything!

Neville came quietly into Ron's office. He was so quiet that Hagrid didn't even hear him. Ron looked up and smiled at Neville. "Hi Neville!"

"EXCUSE ME! WHEN IS IT MY TURN?" yelled Voldemort at Hagrid.

Neville turned around and snapped, "It's my turn…bitch."

Voldemort shook his fists to the sky and cried, "DAMN IT!"

Ron and Hagrid were very surprised by Neville's foul mouth. Neville sat down like nothing had happened and turned to look at Ron. "So, that was interesting," said Ron as he began to pull out his keyboard.

Neville just smiled and nodded.

"Right, so what are you looking for in a partner Nevs?"

"They have to love herbology and animals and they have to be nice."

Ron nodded and then asked, "Could you be a little more specific?"

"They have to see the beauty in everything. I want someone who will love me for me."

Ron turned to look at Neville and said, "AWW!"

Neville laughed and then stopped and stared at Ron. "Okay, the computer is being a little slow right now, but hold on tight."

"Okay."

The computer finally stopped spazzing out and Neville smiled happily. "Okay Neville we have a few choices for you…there's Hagrid…Professor Sprout…and Cho Chang."

"Ummmm."

Hagrid bolted out of the room. "I think I will go with Cho Chang."

Suddenly Cedric Diggory and Harry Potter burst in through the door. "OHHHH helllllllllllll no!" they said at the same time.

"No way are you going to date my ex girl friend," Harry Potter sneered.

"I thought she was dating me currently," Cedric thought aloud.

Cho Chang skipped merrily into the room and with a wave of her hand told Cedric, "It's over!"

He fell to the ground and cried, "NOOOOOOO!"

Cedric felt someone hugging him and he turned to see Voldemort. "Its okay my boy! Let it out!" Voldemort cried with him, "I can't get any love either."

They both cried and walked out to go watch a chick flick and then watch a tear jerker.

"Hi," Cho Chang smiled at Neville.

"Hi."

"Sorry about all of that, Cedric and Harry are both very possessive."

"It's okay."

Cho leaned forward and gave Neville a kiss on the cheek and he turned bright pink. "Let's go!" Cho led Neville out of the door.

"Ah love," sighed Ron.

Later in the day, Neville came back and was swooning in Ron's office. "We went for a walk and we were looking at plants. Then, we saw a unicorn! Then we came across Professor Sprout and she kept asking if we had seen Hagrid! THEN! We found Dumbledore's magical carousel and we went on it and had candy corn and cotton candy and then and then…"

Ron had a smile on his face as he zoned out listening to Neville. Ron officially loved his job.


	8. Draco

Author's Note: I don't own anything!

"Draco Malfoy, come on in," Ron smiled as Draco came slithering across the room, "How are you my boy?"

"Terrible," Draco muttered, "My girlfriend, Madame Hooch, left me for my father. My mom married Lockhart, and although he's nice to me…I don't like him one bit."

"I'm so sorry," Ron faked sympathy.

"So, that's what's going on. I came here, hoping I could find someone I could talk to. It doesn't have to be romantic."

"Well Draco, that's kinda the point of my business. I'm setting up people by chance hoping that there will be a love connection."

Draco sighed heavily and nodded. "Okay, well I guess then I better tell you what I want."

Ron half smiled and nodded.

"I want someone who can handle my sexyfulness, someone who is sexy, someone who knows sexy, someone who loves sexy."

Ron laughed when the result came up. "You got VOLDEMORT!"

The door burst open and Voldemort appeared. A light was shining on him and a scary opera song was blasting! "Come with me, DRACOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Draco ran away and screamed.

"Is it my turn yet?" asked Voldemort.


	9. Voldemort's turn?

Author's Note: I don't own anything except Pebbles is an OC! Pebbles was the penguin from the previous story that was chasing Fred and George for those who need a fresher.

"Unfortunately no Voldemort, its Pebbles turn now!"

"And who is this Pebbles?"

"ME!"

Voldemort puffed out his chest and it deflated when he saw the penguin. Voldemort burst out into laughter when he saw the penguin. "YOU?" he laughed more.

Pebbles was not amused and began to tap his flipper. Voldemort was rolling on the floor laughing so hard he was crying. He couldn't breathe. "ATTACK!" yelled Pebbles.

Voldemort froze as Pebbles jumped on him pecking at his butt with his beak. Suddenly a mass army of penguins came running into the office attacking everything in sight. "SAVE YOURSELVES!" yelled Voldemort as he tried to escape the clutches.

The penguins stopped and when they cleared out, Voldemort's hair was gone. They ate his hair. Voldemort pulled out a mirror and screamed and fainted. "MY HAIR!" he sobbed.

Ron patted Voldemort's back and apologized, "I'm sorry lord of darkness, but since I am out of the hair business, you are out of luck."

"Who wants a bald man? SERIOUSLY?"

Hagrid coughed as he felt his bald head. "Sorry," Voldemort apologized.

Suddenly in burst Professor Trawlney. "VOLDY!" she called to him.

"Trawlney!"

She cuddled his bald head and kissed it. "Whoa and I didn't even have to type in information!" exclaimed Ron.

"I knew he would be here. I can use his bald head to give out predictions!"

They made out.

Suddenly Voldemort screamed as he woke up. He felt his hair which was still there. The whole thing was a dream.


	10. Ron Takes a Break

Author's Note: I don't own anything.

Hagrid was busy typing at his desk when Hermione snuck her way into Ron's office. Ron gasped with surprise when he saw her. She was wearing a large brown coat and it looked really awkward. "Hi Ronnie!" she smiled.

"Hey girl," he replied as he leaned back into his chair.

"Do you have time to take a break?" she asked nervously.

"Sure, anything for you sweet thang. Everything okay?"

Hermione nodded and then added, "It's just that you've been so busy lately, it's like we don't have time for each other."

"I'm sorry honey, we will have to work on that! So let's go!"

Ron stopped at Hagrid's desk and said, "Hermione and I are going out for a bit. If anyone comes in, write them down and get their number and I will call them back."

Hagrid saluted Ron as he and Hermione left. "So where are we-"

Ron was cut off by Hermione kissing him. It left him speechless. "Wow."

"Should I do that again?" she asked.

Ron nodded and Hermione kissed him again. "Come with me," she giggled.

Hermione and Ron walked hand and hand and she was leading him to some secret location. "Where are we going?" he kept asking.

She wouldn't answer, but she kept smiling and led him along. Suddenly they came across a hut in the middle of nowhere. Ron stared at it as Hermione pulled out her wand and whispered some magic words. The doors opened and when they came inside, there was a silk bed with red and white rose petals. Candles filled the room and it smelt of vanilla. "Wow, this is nice."

"Isn't it?" Hermione smiled.

Ron sat down on the bed and went to lean back. Hermione took off her brown coat and when she took it off, she was wearing a leather dominatrix outfit. Ron stared at her with his mouth wide open. She grinned as she pulled out a whip and whispered, "It's play time."

About an hour later, Hermione came out of the hut with a smile and had some sort of glow about her. Ron came out five minutes later and he had a huge grin. He seemed to be floating when he walked back to his office. Everyone stopped to stare at him and Draco patted Ron's back and whispered, "Welcome to the Club!"

Ron didn't acknowledge him as he walked away. "Ron totally got some!" cheered Harry.

Ron came into the office and waved at Hagrid. He zoned out when he got to his desk that he didn't even notice Voldemort came in asking for his turn.


	11. No Choosing for the Chosen One

Author's Note: I don't own anything.

Harry Potter came waltzing into Ron's office with a dramatic look on his face. "Yes Chosen One?" Ron asked.

"Ronald, I ask for your help in my mission to find love."

"Aren't you dating my sister? Ginny?"

"Ginny? GINNY?"

"THE RED HEAD!" snapped Ron.

Harry got the dramatic look on his face again as he said, "I'm not so sure we are destined to be together."

Ron was getting mad. "If you break my sister's heart, I swear to god-"

"But RON!" interrupted Harry, "I am the chosen one!"

"I don't care if you are the chosen one!"

Harry sighed and fell to the ground and whispered, "Voldemort killed my parents."

"Don't use that excuse!" Voldemort appeared, "If you break his sister's heart then you will be weak from him poning you and then I can't destroy you! Wait, what am I saying?"

Ron shrugged and then said, "Hey! No evil plans in here! This is a place of peace and love!"

Voldemort pulled out his wand and then put on a hippy outfit. He pranced around the room with flowers and began to sing about how wonderful the sunshine was. "Sunshine in the hillssssssssss! Sunshine on the oceannnnnnnnnnnn!" he pranced about.

"Will you help me?" asked Harry.

"Get out."

Harry frowned and said, "I am the cho-"

"NO I AM!" yelled Ron, "And I am the chosen one who denies to help choose for the chosen one."

"Is it my turn yet Dude?" asked hippy Voldemort.

"No."

"Damn."

Harry left. Voldemort looked at the sun and said, "Time for a protest! I'll be back later for my love quest mannnn! Peace."


	12. Winkie

Author's Note: I don't own anything.

"Hullo Sir!" said a female voice.

Ron peeked over his desk and he saw none other then Winkie! "Hi Winkie!" Ron smiled.

"Hullo Sir, Winkie wants to be in love sir!"

"DO you now?" asked Ron chuckling.

"Winkie does sir, very much so sir!"

"Okay let me turn on my computer."

Ron turned on his computer and then he started to type. "All right gimme some details."

"Sir, Winkie likes someone who likes to keep clean. Winkie wants someone who loves Winkie. Winkie wants to go dancing when chores are done. Winkie wants someone who will cuddle. Winkie wants someone who will never hurt or leave her."

Ron finished typing and said, "The computer says you would be a perfect match with Dobby."

Winkie suddenly started to cry. "Winkie, what's wrong?"

"Winkie is horrible," she sobbed.

"No you aren't!"

"Winkie tricked you!"

Ron looked at Hagrid and Hagrid shrugged. "How did you trick me?"

Winkie lifted up her left hand and there was a ring on it. "Dobby and Winkie, we got married sir!"

Ron teared up and smiled, "That's the best damn news I've gotten all day!"

Winkie jumped onto Ron's desk and Dobby appeared in a tux. They were dancing on the desk and it was the cutest thing ever. Dobby wasn't the best dancer and neither was Winkie, but it was fine. Hagrid pulled out a miniature violin and played a song as Dobby and Winkie danced. Ron pulled out a music stand and then some music notes and then started to sing opera. "OOOOOH!!!!! LAAAA BLAHHHHHHH SHA LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Ron sang.

Voldemort came in and when he saw what was going on, he stared to film the entire thing. He didn't even bother asking if it was his turn yet. He was too moved by the romance. "DAMN!" he sobbed, "Their love is like, so…PURE!"

Hagrid came up to Voldemort and they started to dance with each other. Ron was still singing and then Lockhart and Narcissa came in dancing. Then Neville and Cho came in! Suddenly there was an entire dance party in Ron's office. It was a magical night!


	13. Umbridge

Author's Note: I don't own anything.

"IT'S FINALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLY MY TURN!" cheered Voldemort as he came in.

But to his dismay, someone was already in the chair. "DAMN!" he yelled as he walked away.

Sitting in the chair was the one, the only Professor Umbridge. Ron was trying not to hurl.

"So Mr. Weasley, it has been brought to my attention that you are helping people in their quest for finding love. Am I correct?"

"Yes that is Madame."

"That is such an honorable trait, but could I see your license? You do have a license to do this? Am I right?"

Ron sighed in frustration! This woman was trying to bring down his business and he wasn't going to take it. "Look, I'm very busy! Do you want help finding love? If not you can speak to me after hours!"

"Fine!" she snapped, "I'm embarrassed though."

"Don't be!"

Ron was really trying not to throw up. "Tell me what you are looking for?"

"They must love pink! They must love kitties! They must be strict and enforce punishment when needed."

Ron felt his eyes buldge as she continued, "They must be commanding and all powerful. I like a man in charge!"

"Umbrigde…are you sure you came to the right place?"

"Yes."

"Okay then."

Ron hit enter and then awaited for the results. "Okay…let's see! Oh I am so sorry Umbridge but there is no one in the system that meets your qualifications! I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

"It's not fair!" she cried.

"The world's a cruel place," Ron shuddered as he bolted the door.

Umbridge was gone and Ron threw up. Meanwhile outside….

Umbridge sunk to the floor and looked really depressed. "What's wrong?" asked Voldemort as he sat down next to her.

"Ron couldn't find me anyone!"

"AWW!" sobbed Voldemort as he bit into a dinosaur nugget.

"Can I have some?"

"Get your own bitch!"

Voldemort got up and Umbridge was left alone.


	14. Finally Voldemort's Turn

Author's Note: I don't own anything.

Ron was dancing on his desk and he suddenly froze when he realized that he was being watched by his twin brothers Fred and George. "What do you want?"

"Nothing."

"Yeah Nothing."

"Then get out. I'm running a business here."

The twins left and then in walked Voldemort. "IS IT MY TURN?"

"Yes Voldemort, it's your turn!"

Voldemort squealed and then fainted out of complete and utter joy. Ron shook his head and grabbed a stick. He poked Voldemort and he woke up. "I'm fine," he mumbled.

Ron stared at his computer and whispered, "I don't know if I can find you someone evil enough to match up with your evil standards."

"Who said I wanted evil?"

"Well, I just kinda assum-"

Voldemort gave a sassy wave of his hand and Ron asked, "What would you like?"

"I want someone who can deal with my powerfulness! They have to be magical and they have to know the boy who lives! They must tell me his deepest secrets so I can go on the internet and paste them everywhere! Oh and they must like my hairdo."

Dumbledore walked in and hugged Voldemort. "I love your hair!" smiled Dumbledore.

"Aw shucks! Thanks Dumbles!"

Ron stared at Voldemort and Dumbledore. He turned his screen. The result: Albus Dumbledore.


	15. A Huge Wedding

Author's Note: I don't own anything

Ron and Hagrid were having some donuts when an unexpected guest came in. It was Percy! "What are you doing here?" asked Ron as he shoved another donut in his mouth.

"Mom said that you started a business. I had to check it out for myself."

"You can get out now!"

"But-"

"I have the right to deny anyone service and today you are the chosen one!"

Percy pouted as he walked away and then came in Luna. "I like cheese and unicorns," she smiled.

Ron stared at Luna and Hagrid was trying not to laugh. "Hi Luna."

"Hello Ronald."

"Please…call me Ron!"

"Okay Ronald."

"What can I do for you?"

Luna looked from side to side and then whispered, "This room smells like my gym socks."

Ron rolled his eyes and went back to his donut. "Would you find me a friend? Not a dating type thing…but a friend?"

"I'll be your friend!" Hagrid grinned.

"Glad that's over," muttered Ron as Narcissa and Lockhart came in.

"Yes?"

"WE'RE PREGGERS! We want to name our child after you Ron!" beamed Narcissa.

Lockhart was making out with himself in the mirror. "Life is magical," he kept grinning.

Lucius came in with Madame Hooch and they began to pass out wedding invitations! "Let the joyous news be heard! Another wedding!" cheered Madame Hooch.

Professor Sprout came out of nowhere and began to dance like a stripper on Hagrid's desk. Peeves and Moaning Myrtle came in and danced in mid air. Voldemort and Dumbledore came in with Snape and Petunia right behind. "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" yelled Ron.

"Huge wedding party!"

So then out of nowhere an organ appeared and played the wedding march. Everyone was making out and everyone that had a partner got married. Except Hagrid. And Ron. Although he was with Hermione, he wasn't ready for that type of commitment.


End file.
